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Sunday, May 5th, 2002
1:20 am
oh well, I'm back here after a long time

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Thursday, November 8th, 2001
11:27 am
International connections and travel will lead you to happiness, success or riches. Someone from foreign parts charms the pants right off you, and it's obvious they have come into your world for a reason. Also, be aware that the more you can learn or educate yourself in a subject that enables you to take your mental blinkers off the more chances you will create for yourself to really go places both literally and metaphorically. 2000, Russellgrant.com

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Sunday, October 14th, 2001
10:58 am

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Thursday, September 13th, 2001
7:59 pm - New Yorkers trying to cope
In the wake of the tragedy at the World Trade Center, I wrote a few emails to my friends..I think it is my responsiblity, as a student living in Manhattan, who can see and smell the tragety, to get the real situation out..well here is the email I sent today..

Hey guys,

Well it's been two days..and yesterday I took a trip down to near Times Square then to walked past the Empire State Building, down Houston st, and Canal St. and over to Brooklyn Bridge - which is quite close to the wtc..and seriously, the towers were really not there..chinatown was quiet, and almost nobody were on the streets at rush hour. There were all these ambulances, military viechles, fire trucks, many workers with hard hats..but it was eerily calm there. Cars with their windows blown out. A doctor crying. When we got near to Brooklyn Bridge, we had to move north because another building was in the danger of collasping. The wind blew northwards last night so there were acrid burnt smell in the air. Today, I took a trip down to East 26th street, where the missing-persons center is located now. It wasn't as intense and emotional as I imagined it to be..people were orderly and were handing out these flyers with a photo and information on their loved ones. But they were calm..and sadly I think that is because the families and friends of the missing person is beginning to accept the reality.

Well I am not sure what the media are saying overseas, but everything is calm here..as calm as we can get in this circumstances. It really upsets me when some people say "gosh it must be chaotic/hectic/rioting/looting there" or "we must kill these islamic fanatics" and please stop sending the emails with the stupid Nostrodamus predictions. I understand people want answers...but we do not need people to tell us that we must be in a state of chaos and violence..we are trying to cope as much as we can, and we are doing quite well. There are more cars on the street and classes continue, shops are open. There is no riot, and the prices of food are the same. Despite what has happened, the sun rises and sinks..and we move on. And I think it is REALLY REALLY dangerous to jump to conclusions. There has been some instances where Muslims and Arabs were attacked in New York..and it really really angers and upsets me..because there is no evidence..and these people are also ordinary citizens like everybody else trying to cope.

So I just really want to ask you guys to tell people you know where you are that things are moving on..and New Yorkers are coping..and STOP thinking about the worse case senario..it does not make anything better to be thinking about war and violent retaliation and all. Violence creates more violence..blood against blood is NOT the way to go. Please understand and spread the word that we can have hope...

Well Nadia, sorry I tried to call you a few times but my phone card refuses to function at the critical moments.


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Wednesday, September 12th, 2001
1:50 am
The last thing you thought would happen is about to alter your life in a most entrancing way. Whatever it is you can be sure it will open up a door to your heart that would have remained closed if serendipity hadn't have played its hand. Whilst you are bamboozled by the prospects of what's going on, the fates are making plans to ensure that your next move is one that will benefit you big time. 2000, Russellgrant.com

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Sunday, September 9th, 2001
10:12 pm


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3:41 pm
I am in denial

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Saturday, September 8th, 2001
9:39 am
Well a week after I came back to the US after not being here for a year, I am convinced that this is not the place I want to spend the rest of my life in. I am going back to Europe as soon as I can..but it is hard. I was talking to A about this, but I don't have a thing called "best friend" because in my 21 years of my life, I lived in 5 differnt countries and went to 10 different schools..so I am never in one place for more than like 2 years, and even if I become good friends with the people I meet there, I always find it unfair to call them "best friend" because I will physically not be there with them..so when I move, they will find new friends and I will not be able to spend all the time with them..so I just find it unfair..and it is in a way sad because I have to admit the fact that people change..it is unfair to assume that my friends will not change and I will not change entiehr..because we all do change over time..and I am always so afriad to expect that nothing will change and face the reality..

But I think I am dealing with it better now because I realize that the older I get, I am able to choose friends..like when I am in middle school I felt that I had to be friends with everybody orelse you are not cool or something..but now I can choose friends..and the friends that I have chosen along the line has been strong even when I am not physically not with them..

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Sunday, September 2nd, 2001
6:16 am
The Piscean Full Moon and a good looking Jupiter forecast a turn for the good but only when you dump the emotional baggage. Such supreme stars gives you an opportunity to improve your relationships. Quite often, you're content to relinquish all your power to friends and relatives. Now is your big chance to reverse that dynamic. When you take responsibility for your own decisions, you'll feel less like a victim and more like an adult. 2000, Russellgrant.com

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Saturday, September 1st, 2001
1:49 am
Well in the summer I do think I liked N even though I had the first impression of he is an pompus a-hole..but he was so intelligent and whitty..I always wonder if he ever liked me because he did prefer me over lots of other girls and he did ignore them some quite rudely..

I still cannot believe that someone can like me though..I don't have much confidence inmyself..

Well today was fun. I am happy I am in the suite I am in becasue it seems like quite laid back and I love A and all the other girls are really lovely. I like being in a suite because then I think I will be alone all the time and all..it was fun today.

I wish I had access to this when I was going through things but right now I really can't remember all the things that happened in France..

Well july was kinda dull because it was all there american highschool kids..but August was fun...

Althought here were SO MANY Japnese people..and they think I am this weird abnormal Japanese people, and I actually don't give two shits about them, it was kinda werid that I had to speak so much Japanese..and sometimes I got annoyed because K and I didn't speak English well so inevitably the conversation with other ENglish-speakers had to be in French when they were around..and it was difficult for everybody to express themselves..

I liked Ik but I did get annoyed with her very japense ways..she has to make everythign clean and she had to worry about everything..I was just like I don't really care much about thigns..but I loved K..she was the wackiest Japense person around..I loved here so much because she was so unconventional...so when I think of it now I like K better...

Well and I liked Noah as well. I wish he had stayed a bit longer and maybe somethings might have happened. It is really difficutl to disipher what he writes in the email because it is so vague and formal..

Oh well. Seeing P tomorrow..will be interesting

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Thursday, August 30th, 2001
5:39 pm
where to start.....
so many things happened in August and I don't know where to start. Well I have moved in now and I can't believe its been a year..it seems like my time in London, Italy, Germany, and France were all a dream..too good to be true. I wish I was with Noah more..I really miss him. I don't know. I do think I really liked him but I didn't do anything.

Anyways..I am convinced that where I am to live in the future is London,,or Europe. I love it so much. I never felt so much that I fit in so well..whereeverelse I always had a feeling of a foreigner, but in London, I was me and people accepted of who I was and what I was and I really lied that..and it is hard to find a niche..

well I am still really tired but I will get back about what happend in Dijon, France in August..

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Wednesday, August 29th, 2001
11:53 am
I will be back soon then I can write!!

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Tuesday, July 31st, 2001
3:09 pm
I am going to Switzerland this weekend woo hoo :D

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Wednesday, July 25th, 2001
1:19 pm

I want to got Switwerland this weekend but seems like there is a force that is trying to make me not go. I am saying this because every time I try to book a room online something goes wrong like its busy or like the computer is not secure enough. Maybe it is trying to prevent me from going for some reason. Hum I will think about this.

Anyways I am quite happy that I got an email from P yesterday saying that he hasnt forgotten me etc etc. I dunno. Well I dunno dunno dunnooooooooooo

I should look for someone else in my life because he is not hte only male that is out there on this planet and I think I am a good enough person to find a nice person someday who will love me for who I am. I always wonder why all these bitches get the men these days;;like they are bitches' but because they are skinny or something they get the men and that is too incomprehensible for me. Anyways write later

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Sunday, July 22nd, 2001
3:39 pm
havent typed for a while because there is only one internet shop in this frigging town and I am limited to 30 mins per session which means that I have like 20 mins to check my mail etc and normally I dont have any time left to update my journal which is too bad because so much have happend in the past month. Met so many new people on my trip to italy and now in france. I think I am more relaxed about myself than I ever was.. I think I realize taht I can be whoever I want and I am amways blessed with good friends. I dont know who to thank but this makes me realize that I am not a bad person, that I am someone worth living despite my problems. Well P got a girlfriend and he hasnt written since and its been hard to come to terms with it because for some reason I took for granted that he will always be there for me. Well it is my fault really who have like ignored him and playing stupid games. Now it all backfired and I am extrememy mad at myself..I don't know what to make of it but what is done is done and there is no way I can make the time go back..I think I am hurting.;but what can I do?? Well I am lucky to find friends new friends whever I go who are always willign to listen to me and all and I should be thankful for that and let things be. I need to listen to my heart not my brains or what I should do or what I should say. I should feel..and not be scared to act on it.

(any jellybeans?)

Tuesday, July 10th, 2001
3:23 pm
hi i am still alive just no access to computer

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Tuesday, June 19th, 2001
6:43 pm
P has a girlfriend.

I am massively upset.

Leaving London tonight.

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Monday, June 18th, 2001
2:11 am
Just watched a German film called Run Lora Run..I wanted to watch that for the longest time. It is kinda like Sliding Doors where a split second makes a huge differnce in life. I wonder if that really happens in life..like a split second making a huge differnce. That is why I wonder if I am always wasting my time and all. One time I do think a split second made a big differnce in my life is how I met H. That was a split second thing because I was waiting for the wrong bank queue for the longest time, and then a bank man led me down to the right queue, and then I realized I left my friend waiting upstairs, so I ran back up to tell her to go ahead, and then ran back down to end up standing right next to him. I do think that second made a big differnce. What if he was the one? I will never known because I am stupidly shy. I was so comfortable with him. It is rare because I don't even allow my closest guy friends to touch me in any way. I find it really difficult to let my guards down and I think the guys feel that as well. But with H, I was so comfortable that I didn't mind him touching me. SIGH.

What is he was the one and for the rest of my life I will be wondering that..but he was with a blong girl. SIGH. SIGH SIGH.
Might call P again tomorrow because I called him and he wasn't there yesterday. Bastard.

(1 jellybean | any jellybeans?)

Sunday, June 17th, 2001
5:36 pm
I am feeling fuzzy inside.

I am not sad, but I guess confused. It is that period of time when I am not sure if I want to leave, but I have to. Most of my stuff is packed. I am never sad of leaving. I am used to it and there is no point crying over it because life goes on and everything changes. And as long as your are on planet earth you will always have the opportunity to meet someone if you put your mind to it.

I did enjoy my year in London alot. Very differnt from where I have been in the past. The weather is shite and the tubes are inefficient, and the bloody pound is rediculously strong, I did like living here.

Although I do not believe in God, I do think there is something up there watching what I do. And I thank the "it" up there for giving me the opportunity to meet wonderful people this year. I always think things are all for the best. Things fall into place. Don't rush things.

I am in the awkward phase where I have 2 days left until I leave and I know I will not see alot of the people for a long time if ever again. I don't feel sad though. Should I? I can't keep on weeping on when I leave becaue I am always the leaver. I always leave people behind and move to new places constantly. The pressure is high. I am nervous of living in France though. I know things will fall into place, but I always get some butterflies in my stomach, but I pretend I am strong to deal with it..or I can't do much about it. There is no point waiting for someone to come get you..you have to go get them.

I should listen to my heart more. I am so confused of what I am feeling these days. Especially about P. I haven't seen him since Feb. and I dunno I feel all fuzzy when I think of him and I do not know if that is the feeling that I like him or not. I do care about him deeply as he is one of the few persons I really admire as a person..his intelligence, humor, hospitality is quite rare. He makes me happy. But I don't know what I feel towards him and I don't know what he feels towards me and I am (and I think both of us are) afraid to know the answer. I always feel inferior when I am with him though. I am always afraid that people are going to think what the fuck is he doing with her???? Because I am this short asian person that is pudgy. I feel horrible. *sigh*


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Saturday, June 16th, 2001
11:39 am
I finally realize that I do mean something to some people. I was totally surprised when my friends gave me a "good-bye" gift..it was an album with loads of pictures and messages from people. I was really surprised and happy. I never did realized that people did actually cherish my companion. It is flattering and surprising at the same time and make me realize that life is still worth living for.

Yesterday was my friend's birthday. I think of him alot but I don't know what I feel towards him. awkward. G is cute.

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